Not in my briefcase!

My friend Eleanor of Thatchwick Cottage set me the task some time ago of talking about Five items that aren't in my briefcase but ought to be there!

I do apologize for taking so long to post: firstly, we have been nextra busy with our spring entrepreneurial exploits, and secondly, most days I can't even find my briefcase!

So, I have at last caught up with myself, my time and my briefcase. However, as you will see - it is lacking in some very important contents ...

Number 1: A phone! Yes, I know ... I am very old fashioned, but I really am not a mobile phone person. Give me the stylish old proper telephones any time! But they are a little bulky to cram into my case!

Number 2: What do you notice about the smart business-giraffe in the above picture? He is carrying an umbrella! He must have a much better memory than I do, because I nearly always forget my umbrellas in cafes and shops. Therefore I really ought to have a small telescopic umbrella to keep in my briefcase.

Number 3: The focus of business is allegedly supposed to be money. Money is not my focus. Maybe this is why I usually forget to carry any with me.

Number 4: A newspaper. When I buy my Neckelchester News, I immediately scour it from end to end, preferably sitting on a sunny bench. My head full of thoughts and ideas which arise from my reading, I absent-mindedly leave the paper on the bench. I suppose it's better than carrying the paper away and forgetting my briefcase!

Number 5: The final item I ought to carry in my briefcase but do not, is a nice brew of hot tea and some food!

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"Ah!" I hear you saying, "He forgets his lunch too!"

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Blushingly, I have to confess, dear bloggy friends, I certainly never ever forget food. I remember it far too early in the day ... and eat it all! My lunch is devoured well before time for elevenses - my briefcase is lighter and I am not!

Over to you! I leave the picking up of this meme to my readers - if you would like to talk about five things that are not in your briefcase or handbag, but ought to be, I would be very glad to read your post!

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Thank you Eleanor for setting me this task!

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For everyone: Here's a question ... you now know five things I haven't got in my briefcase. Please tell me what you think I do have in my briefcase!

Spotlight on Giraffe Attire

I've been pondering how customs, fashions and social style develop in our attire.

Some items of clothing or accessories start with a very pragmatic use. Take, for instance, the humble tyre. Initially invented to facilitate transport, we giraffes discovered it was also useful for learning to swim. A few tyres worn round our long necks kept us afloat as youngsters until we had mastered the crawl!

However, as the above fashion magazine picture (from our teenage daughter Nexi's bedroom) illustrates, what began sensibly has now become a rather ridiculous fashion accessory. Nexi, of course, disagrees vehemently with me! (At least I never have to carry a spare when she's on the bus with us!)

I wonder how many fashions begin completely unintentionally?

Spotlight

In my last post I had hoped to develop something that had begun as a grooming faux pas into a stylish fashion statement!

I had worried that you might all think I was standing for UK Prime Minister ... My fears were unfounded ... no-one even noticed! At first I thought you were all being polite. Then I realized, of course, you were all focussed on Derrick's lovely photos!

So here I go again - under the spotlight!

Before you all think I've gone totally neccentric, let me explain that this is all the result of reading a wonderful post by The Weaver of Grass entitled 'Is it just me?'

Trachelus Aplombus

What a nexcitingly busy week it has been! Dear bloggy friends, I have hardly had the time to visit you all - we have been so up-to-the-neck in our entrepreneurial Tours preparations. But now at last I have blissful moments to write another blog post ...

Before we continue with our little kitchen story, I thought I would introduce you to our wonderful plumber and AFF Gas engineer, Rich, aka Trachelus Aplombus. As Barbara Martin so observantly commented on my last post, Rich wears a helmet and what looks like a neck brace.

Allow me to explain. For his 'day job' Rich is chief engineer at the AFF Gas Station. (AFF stands for Anatomically Friendly Flatulence, our ecologically sound renewable energy source). And what a nexcellent engineer he is - always ready to help his friends with their plumbing and appliances.

However, Rich's talents and interests extend far further, right back into our ancient history! Under the pen-name Trachelus Aplombus, Rich has written several most neckworthy history books, including 'Myths & Legends of Giraffe World' and 'The Historie of Knollshire'.

We are very lucky indeed to have him act as Guide on our Giraffe World Tours. At the end of a day working on the pipes at the AFF Gas Station, Rich removes his boilersuit with a flambuoyant flourish, and lo! There he stands resplendent in full centurion's uniform - helmet, neckpieces - all lovingly restored and polished.

Two of my favourite historical paintings are in his Knollshire book. (I do have his permission to reproduce them on my blog!)

The first shows a centurion gazing over the parapet of our historic Wall, The Long Neck. The Long Neck was built along the northern edge of Knollshire many centuries ago. Not, of course, for purposes of war! The story of the Wall is best told by Trachelus Aplombus himself, and I shall hopefully not keep you waiting too long for this pleasure ...

The Sentries of the Neck were highly trained. Our game Giraffe World Hopscotch was first devised for them as a fitness nexercise.

Sentries of the Neck were not allowed to marry until their time of service was over. However, many of them had an 'unofficial' wife living at one of the villages along The Long Neck, with whom they raised a family ready to move in with when they were discharged. The picture above shows such a sentry throwing a rose down to his beloved, while his companions pretend not to notice!

Giraffe Grooming - the only drawback of having Lots of Neck!

Since leaving accountancy, I can say with gratitude and gladness that I enjoy just about everything I do.

However, there has been one thing ... one irritating, time-consuming interminable activity which I have to grumblingly go through each-and-every day ... washing my mane!

I don't mind having a shower, brushing my teeth or gargling, but - oh the tediousness of mane washing!

Do any of you dear readers feel like this?

First it is the shampooing - TWICE - then the repetetive rinsing, which always goes in my ears. Finally the ultimate unending ritual of the drying.

When you have a neck as long as mine - what more need I say!

On the other side of the neck, our eldest daughter Nexi seems to find enlightenment and bliss staring into a misty mirror, manedrier in hand. She not only dries her mane, she styles it!

Necky Becky is grumpy about her own grooming, (apart from dying her fur pink), yet surprisingly helpful with her baby brother. Littl' Nicky in turn very conscientiously brushes his toy giraffe Goo-Goo.

It's funny, isn't it, how an uninteresting topic like mane-washing can turn philosophical. Take the whole concept of beauty, for instance. Is beauty in the eye of the beholder, the eye of the beheld, or the mind of both?

My glamorous sister, Nektareeni, obviously spends a lot of time (and money) on her looks. I think she looks fine. Her partner Girth worships her as giraffe goddess!

But for me, no one can compare with my Maureen. Her natural inner glow, her sweet spirit shining through her eyes, and that wonderful enigmatic smile ...

For Maureen, I wash my mane!

Sharp Dressed Neckmann

I've decided on my costume for our New Year's Eve Fancy Dress Party!

Initially I had thought of going as Prankman Cheng, but it would have been too complicated for Nexi to sew at such short notice. Who could I be? I was getting my neck in a bit of a twist about it, so I started singing to cheer myself up. As I began one of my favourite songs, 'Sharp Dressed Man', there I had it! I'll be 'Sharp Dressed Neckmann' - in true ZZ Top attire!

Nexi threw up her hands in mock despair when I told her, and said I'd be better calling myself 'Zzzz Up Top'. However, she promised to get my costume together - just a beard, hat and dark glasses really. I'm borrowing one of Neko's guitars, (as long as I promise not to play it ...)

How on earth am I going to eat my sprouts and New Year Pudding with this on?

I've been watching a film of the song, so I get all the actions right. I love the bit where they both kind of bend their knees in synchronisation.

This is going to be fantastic - I so love this track! Hey, everybody ... does Raph rock?!!

The Glorious Giraffeness of Everything!

I'm not getting different glasses!

After a week of my daughter Nexi neckling at me to get some 'cool' frames, and arguing about which of the photos she'd taken of me was best, I was feeling a little nexasperated.

I turned to Maureen.

"What should I do?" I sighed.

"Nothing!" replied Maureen. "You are who you are. All the years I've known you, you've looked like Raph G. Neckmann. Don't change!"

Oh, the joy of being true to one's self and the glorious giraffeness of everything!

Yesterday one of my pans of chutney boiled over. (I admit, I was distracted by blogging, and when I was about to clear up the mess, I got dragged away to practise our song for tomorrow). What a wonderful surprise I had today, to discover the spillage on the AFF Gas cooker had set into the most beautiful giraffe-pattern!

I feel at one with the universe!

Giraffe Glasses

My daughter Nexi told me that I need to change my glasses. She says my half-moon spectacles make me look more like her grandfather than her dad. (Apparently she formed this opinion during the Nex Factor singing competition at the weekend). I am commanded to get some more up-to-date glasses to wear when we perform our family song at next Saturday's final!

I decided to discreetly visit a few opticians in Raffsburgh to try on some frames. On my own ...

No chance! The family guessed my quest and insisted on coming along, 'to advise'. Nexi brought a camera and photographed me in a variety of frames. 'So we can all make a sensible decision at home!' said she.

Here I am in bespectacled splendour!

'The Executive'


'The Artist'




'The Singer-songwriter'

'The Astronomer'

Which will it be?