Summer in Giraffe World!

It's summer time in Giraffe World, and I've hardly any time for blogging!
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No doubt you are looking at the holiday snap above and thinking I've been whiling away the time drinking lemonade in exotic resorts! Not so this year - that was all before we ran our own tours company! (You may recognize part of the photo as being my 'profile' pic on blogger! It is my favourite holiday snap ...)

This summer I've been driving our Giraffe World Tours bus full of tourists! Quite tiring , but great fun too. On the photo above you can see the bus parked down in the valley. We were taking a party of Neckelchester residents on a day trip into the Mountains - Necky Becky, of course, went off on her own with Hals and got lost!

However, the biggest drain on my blogging time is the lawn-mowing ... (Do I hear groans of agreement echoing through the Intergalactic blogosphere?) Necky Knoll House has vast lawns, most of which are at vertiginous angles, making mowing a nextreme balancing act!

It's no use asking for help from one's offspring ...

But I am not entirely without assistance ... in the quiet summer evenings we hear much chewing ... Three cheers for the Knollshire snails!

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I wish you all a nexcellent summer, dear bloggy friends.

The Giraffe Method of Stress Release ...

There are pressured times on Planet Earth, and I know that many of my human friends are feeling stressed.

I thought therefore that I would tell you about our gentle giraffe method of stress release ...

We giraffes love to eat fruit, and one of our favourites is raspberries. There is an area of land behind the shops along Neckelchester Front Street used for fruit and vegetable cultivation. Here you will find our lovely all-year-round raspberry patches.

Imagine a warm June evening. As the sun sets, the full moon rises in a pink sky, haloing the edges of the raspberry stems and leaves with light. The atmosphere is tranquil as the residents of the village move quietly among the plants.

Come and join us, dear bloggy friends. Don't let your stress build up ...

Join us in our peaceful method of stress release ... blow a gentle giraffe raspberry!

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AWARD! A warm thank you to Mad Aunt Bernard for giving me the Zombie Chicken Award for silliness. I take my silliness very seriously, and really appreciate this. Do visit her splendid blog, where you can see the award, (I can't seem to load awards up on my computer), and read her tortoise poetry and other wonderful posts. (You know, I think she is rather neccentric too!)

Not in my briefcase!

My friend Eleanor of Thatchwick Cottage set me the task some time ago of talking about Five items that aren't in my briefcase but ought to be there!

I do apologize for taking so long to post: firstly, we have been nextra busy with our spring entrepreneurial exploits, and secondly, most days I can't even find my briefcase!

So, I have at last caught up with myself, my time and my briefcase. However, as you will see - it is lacking in some very important contents ...

Number 1: A phone! Yes, I know ... I am very old fashioned, but I really am not a mobile phone person. Give me the stylish old proper telephones any time! But they are a little bulky to cram into my case!

Number 2: What do you notice about the smart business-giraffe in the above picture? He is carrying an umbrella! He must have a much better memory than I do, because I nearly always forget my umbrellas in cafes and shops. Therefore I really ought to have a small telescopic umbrella to keep in my briefcase.

Number 3: The focus of business is allegedly supposed to be money. Money is not my focus. Maybe this is why I usually forget to carry any with me.

Number 4: A newspaper. When I buy my Neckelchester News, I immediately scour it from end to end, preferably sitting on a sunny bench. My head full of thoughts and ideas which arise from my reading, I absent-mindedly leave the paper on the bench. I suppose it's better than carrying the paper away and forgetting my briefcase!

Number 5: The final item I ought to carry in my briefcase but do not, is a nice brew of hot tea and some food!

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"Ah!" I hear you saying, "He forgets his lunch too!"

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Blushingly, I have to confess, dear bloggy friends, I certainly never ever forget food. I remember it far too early in the day ... and eat it all! My lunch is devoured well before time for elevenses - my briefcase is lighter and I am not!

Over to you! I leave the picking up of this meme to my readers - if you would like to talk about five things that are not in your briefcase or handbag, but ought to be, I would be very glad to read your post!

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Thank you Eleanor for setting me this task!

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For everyone: Here's a question ... you now know five things I haven't got in my briefcase. Please tell me what you think I do have in my briefcase!

Spotlight on Giraffe Attire

I've been pondering how customs, fashions and social style develop in our attire.

Some items of clothing or accessories start with a very pragmatic use. Take, for instance, the humble tyre. Initially invented to facilitate transport, we giraffes discovered it was also useful for learning to swim. A few tyres worn round our long necks kept us afloat as youngsters until we had mastered the crawl!

However, as the above fashion magazine picture (from our teenage daughter Nexi's bedroom) illustrates, what began sensibly has now become a rather ridiculous fashion accessory. Nexi, of course, disagrees vehemently with me! (At least I never have to carry a spare when she's on the bus with us!)

I wonder how many fashions begin completely unintentionally?

Spotlight

In my last post I had hoped to develop something that had begun as a grooming faux pas into a stylish fashion statement!

I had worried that you might all think I was standing for UK Prime Minister ... My fears were unfounded ... no-one even noticed! At first I thought you were all being polite. Then I realized, of course, you were all focussed on Derrick's lovely photos!

So here I go again - under the spotlight!

Before you all think I've gone totally neccentric, let me explain that this is all the result of reading a wonderful post by The Weaver of Grass entitled 'Is it just me?'

Trachelus Aplombus

What a nexcitingly busy week it has been! Dear bloggy friends, I have hardly had the time to visit you all - we have been so up-to-the-neck in our entrepreneurial Tours preparations. But now at last I have blissful moments to write another blog post ...

Before we continue with our little kitchen story, I thought I would introduce you to our wonderful plumber and AFF Gas engineer, Rich, aka Trachelus Aplombus. As Barbara Martin so observantly commented on my last post, Rich wears a helmet and what looks like a neck brace.

Allow me to explain. For his 'day job' Rich is chief engineer at the AFF Gas Station. (AFF stands for Anatomically Friendly Flatulence, our ecologically sound renewable energy source). And what a nexcellent engineer he is - always ready to help his friends with their plumbing and appliances.

However, Rich's talents and interests extend far further, right back into our ancient history! Under the pen-name Trachelus Aplombus, Rich has written several most neckworthy history books, including 'Myths & Legends of Giraffe World' and 'The Historie of Knollshire'.

We are very lucky indeed to have him act as Guide on our Giraffe World Tours. At the end of a day working on the pipes at the AFF Gas Station, Rich removes his boilersuit with a flambuoyant flourish, and lo! There he stands resplendent in full centurion's uniform - helmet, neckpieces - all lovingly restored and polished.

Two of my favourite historical paintings are in his Knollshire book. (I do have his permission to reproduce them on my blog!)

The first shows a centurion gazing over the parapet of our historic Wall, The Long Neck. The Long Neck was built along the northern edge of Knollshire many centuries ago. Not, of course, for purposes of war! The story of the Wall is best told by Trachelus Aplombus himself, and I shall hopefully not keep you waiting too long for this pleasure ...

The Sentries of the Neck were highly trained. Our game Giraffe World Hopscotch was first devised for them as a fitness nexercise.

Sentries of the Neck were not allowed to marry until their time of service was over. However, many of them had an 'unofficial' wife living at one of the villages along The Long Neck, with whom they raised a family ready to move in with when they were discharged. The picture above shows such a sentry throwing a rose down to his beloved, while his companions pretend not to notice!

Hearts of the Home

I hope you have all had a splendid Valentine's Day, dear bloggy friends!

We spent the evening in rumbustious revelry at the Gleeful & Greedy Restaurant. There was singing, dancing, giraffe charades and of course, mountains of glorious food. Sometimes Maureen and I opt for a romantic candle-lit dinner a deux. This year we decided to warm our chilly environs with a whooping great hearty hullaballoo!

On the subject of hearts, the two images above are the cards Maureen and I exchanged. My heart always races when I open mine each year!

Dear friends, I would also like to share with you the heart of our home - our kitchen! My friend Poetikat recently let us wander round her kitchen and study, so I thought it was about time you all saw something of the interior of Necky Knoll House.

This picture was taken when we moved into our lovely home last spring. I apologize for the mess, but I suppose moving house is a reasonable excuse! Our utensils were unpacked, but we hadn't found places for them, and there was still the washing machine to plumb in, the cooker to test and all those never-ending new home jobs.

You'll notice some folk you haven't met before. I won't confuse you by introducing them all today. Neither will I burden you with a too-lengthy post.

But I will tease you with the beginning of a humorous little story from our first meal at Necky Knoll House ...

Parsneck Soup

A large sweaty face peers round the kitchen door ...




After nearly deafening us with his hollering, Girth bangs loudly on the dinner gong.

A peek round the door reveals chaos. Rolling pins and cutlery poke out of boxes and crates ... A large dining table is partially set with long handled knives and forks.

As we enter, my glamorous sister Nektareeni greets us with a glass of special wine.

"Necks up everybody! "

'G' is for Gleeful!

Several days ago, Willow gave me the letter 'G' to post about! We have been busy planning some of our Giraffe World Tours outings for the spring, which has been great fun, but time consuming. At last I am able to wax lyrical about my favourite letter of the alphabet! (How did Willow guess?)

Well, first of all 'G' stands for Gleeful. What a wonderful word in sound and in meaning ... For giraffes it perfectly describes our preferred state of mind, and can be acted out by jumping up and down shouting 'Wheeeeee!'


Next on my list is 'Greedy'. I know this can have negative connotations, but we use it in the same way as humans would say 'eager', or 'appreciative'. In Neckelchester village, 'Gleeful + Greedy = Restaurant!' Which brings me to word number three: Girth. Proud proprietor of the afore-mentioned eating establishment. Broad in build and broad in grin. Of course! Grin - another lovely g-word!

Here we have one of Girth's creations. A gorgeous gateau, which could also be a girthday cake! Feeling greedy anyone?

Talking of gorgeous ...



My glamorous sister Nektareeni! Adored by her partner Girth, she jointly runs the Gleeful & Greedy Restaurant with him, as well as her own fashion boutique.

More beauty below,



Giraffodils! Their gracefully nodding blooms always gladden our hearts in the spring. (There are so many happy g-words, aren't there?)

Exploring the coutryside while planning our Tours today, we noticed shy little shoots of pale spring green popping out here and there. One of my very favourite colours! Green seems to mean the same to you Earthlings as it does to Camelopardalians - a concern for our environment. All things are inter-conneckted: I remember Barbara Martin commenting somewhere about the constellations being metaphysically linked in a grid.
Have you noticed how onomatopoeic so many g-words are? Writing the word 'grid' made me think of gurgle and glug! And that fabulous word gargle!

We giraffes just love to gargle! At Neckelchester Dental Practice we have clean-your-tongue-to-music sessions, and we always like to end with our Giraffe Gargling Song. I must put it in the side bar for you all to listen to, one day!

Have you ever tried saying, 'How much oil could a gargoyle gargle, if a gargoyle could gargle oil?' Try it now!
My next word is giggle - which is probably what you are all doing now if you attempted the tongue-twister ...
And so we come to my penultimate g-word, which is simply 'G'! My middle name ... Raph G. Neckmann. And Raph G. turned around is G. Raph ...


Let me hear you all shout it: Giraffe!

Dear bloggy friends! I hope you all enjoyed our little etymological frolic ... Many thanks to Willow for my favourite letter.

Giraffe Grooming - the only drawback of having Lots of Neck!

Since leaving accountancy, I can say with gratitude and gladness that I enjoy just about everything I do.

However, there has been one thing ... one irritating, time-consuming interminable activity which I have to grumblingly go through each-and-every day ... washing my mane!

I don't mind having a shower, brushing my teeth or gargling, but - oh the tediousness of mane washing!

Do any of you dear readers feel like this?

First it is the shampooing - TWICE - then the repetetive rinsing, which always goes in my ears. Finally the ultimate unending ritual of the drying.

When you have a neck as long as mine - what more need I say!

On the other side of the neck, our eldest daughter Nexi seems to find enlightenment and bliss staring into a misty mirror, manedrier in hand. She not only dries her mane, she styles it!

Necky Becky is grumpy about her own grooming, (apart from dying her fur pink), yet surprisingly helpful with her baby brother. Littl' Nicky in turn very conscientiously brushes his toy giraffe Goo-Goo.

It's funny, isn't it, how an uninteresting topic like mane-washing can turn philosophical. Take the whole concept of beauty, for instance. Is beauty in the eye of the beholder, the eye of the beheld, or the mind of both?

My glamorous sister, Nektareeni, obviously spends a lot of time (and money) on her looks. I think she looks fine. Her partner Girth worships her as giraffe goddess!

But for me, no one can compare with my Maureen. Her natural inner glow, her sweet spirit shining through her eyes, and that wonderful enigmatic smile ...

For Maureen, I wash my mane!

How do we know we are real?

I have been over the moon since receiving the Premio Dardos Award. However, one small thing had been bothering me. Barbara Martin, when nominating me, wrote in her blog, 'Raph Neckmann has imagined a wonderful world of giraffes ...'

Imagined! My home, our village, Knollshire - my family?! Are they really here? Do I actually exist? What is reality ... ?

I called out to Maureen to help me out of this quasi-existentialist quagmire.

"Of course we are here, dear," she said, "We've just had tea!"

I am reassured - no doubts now.

Our eldest daughter Nexi added, "We don't live in an imaginary world, Dad, but you do most of the time!"

Necky Becky offered to kick me in the shins to prove my reality.

Normality restored to our household, I spent a pleasant evening and retired to bed with a quiet mind.

However, I woke much later in the night aghast. I'd had a dream where all my beloved blogger friends, the humans I've been interacting with in the blogosphere, turned out to be fellow-giraffes! Giraffes, not humans! Have I been hoodwinked?

The thought unsettled me so much, I had to get out of bed. Tiptoeing downstairs, I went out to the garden to look through my new telescope. I turned it towards the galaxy where lies planet Earth. Slowly a great sense of calm fell over me. So very, very far away from our own Camelopardalis constellation, yet I can talk with them ...

The sense of the unfathomable was so strong it brought peace. All was still in the garden and the air smelled good.

Sharp Dressed Neckmann

I've decided on my costume for our New Year's Eve Fancy Dress Party!

Initially I had thought of going as Prankman Cheng, but it would have been too complicated for Nexi to sew at such short notice. Who could I be? I was getting my neck in a bit of a twist about it, so I started singing to cheer myself up. As I began one of my favourite songs, 'Sharp Dressed Man', there I had it! I'll be 'Sharp Dressed Neckmann' - in true ZZ Top attire!

Nexi threw up her hands in mock despair when I told her, and said I'd be better calling myself 'Zzzz Up Top'. However, she promised to get my costume together - just a beard, hat and dark glasses really. I'm borrowing one of Neko's guitars, (as long as I promise not to play it ...)

How on earth am I going to eat my sprouts and New Year Pudding with this on?

I've been watching a film of the song, so I get all the actions right. I love the bit where they both kind of bend their knees in synchronisation.

This is going to be fantastic - I so love this track! Hey, everybody ... does Raph rock?!!

Anagrams and Alter Egos

Hail O Wordsmith of Middenshire!

I received today such splendid anagrams of my name from the above gentleman. They are listed here as he wrote them:

Graph McKennan

Ken McPhragann

Prankman Cheng

The rather mysterious;

N. Phanckmanger

and a law enforcement officer;

PC Hank Germann.

What wonderful times I would have with these characters as alter egos! As Graph McKennan I would be a cult comic artist. I'd run a successful haulage company as Ken McPhragann's Wagons. The rather mysterious N. Phanckmanger would be a rich banker, and as PC Hank Germann I'd be able to read people's thoughts.

But best of all I'd like to be Prankman Cheng! What a transformation for mild-mannered me ...

Thank you!

Giraffe Glasses

My daughter Nexi told me that I need to change my glasses. She says my half-moon spectacles make me look more like her grandfather than her dad. (Apparently she formed this opinion during the Nex Factor singing competition at the weekend). I am commanded to get some more up-to-date glasses to wear when we perform our family song at next Saturday's final!

I decided to discreetly visit a few opticians in Raffsburgh to try on some frames. On my own ...

No chance! The family guessed my quest and insisted on coming along, 'to advise'. Nexi brought a camera and photographed me in a variety of frames. 'So we can all make a sensible decision at home!' said she.

Here I am in bespectacled splendour!

'The Executive'


'The Artist'




'The Singer-songwriter'

'The Astronomer'

Which will it be?